A Bit of Clarity

December 20th, 2012

I was iMessaging Ashley while watching Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead tonight and it came to mind that while this guy was having many more issues than I am, I do have some of the issues he's suffering with. Specifically skin irritation and rupturing.

The man in the documentary is fasting for 60 days. He fasted for 60 days and lost 82 lb. during that time. I can't juice for 60 days and I don't want to lose 60 lb. I just want to get back down to 250. I will be very happy with that.

Something else that came to mind is that I haven't taken any medication in a really long time, since August, I think, when I had been taking various pills at least once daily. Overall, I think I'm healthier. Why am I so weak though? Why is my energy so low? I hope these things change as I do my cleanse and the year changes over. I want to be the best I can be.

Since starting the fitness challenge, I can say I no longer crave Van Leeuwen's ginger ice cream or caramel macchiatos. Now that is something.

I can’t help but wait on some things

December 7th, 2012

And things spiral downward… I am starting to feel like I did before I got sick and had to accept it. I don’t like feeling out of control. In some ways my life is in a downward spiral, in others… I guess my body and mind are being sharpened. That final “fuck you” is going to come… It could be tomorrow, next week, next month… It could be today… Maybe I just don’t know it yet.

I've got just under seven months… Seven months to change my life in a big way. That's within the time frame I was given anyway…

I thought I was well on my way. I thought the job I just had would hold me for a month and that I could save up a bit of money to help get me to the next job. I have nothing to show for it. I got a total of four and a half days of work across two weeks before they decided that the amount of work they had coming in wasn't enough to sustain the number of people they had hired in anticipation of this blockbuster holiday season. I thought warehouses were less volatile than financial institutions.

I long to be back in a presentation center. I could kid myself and say that I am rusty but truth is my memory is fucked. What was once an extension of my being is gone. I have tried, it isn't just going to come back to me. I also have to learn in an entirely different software package with an entirely different software suite.

I have this hunger in me. The fire in my belly. Something I remember feeling as though I had lost a long time ago. I feel strong, I'm motivated… My mind is empty of all the useful things though and I can't help but feel I'm being crushed under the weight of all the things falling apart. Did I mention, I have 0 income aside from the bi-weekly deposit in my account? Yeah, envy me. You wish you could be this poor.

I am apparently ineligible for public funds because I have no way of proving how I subsidize my rent. The letter states that because my need exceeds their limit, I'm ineligible. I just need to get through a little while longer.

First thing's first… On today's agenda, five online applications, one paper application and application for a fair hearing. The paper application can't be returned today. It's raining and I am on feet unless I have an interview, says my Metrocard with the $7.50 on it.