I Don't Know

First of all, let me thank you all. I have been ready and wanting to have this talk with him. I just didn't want to end our little conversation feeling like it was incomplete.

I have been given some great advice. Most stated I should be direct and sure. I was told to let the parent role go for a bit. I know I have to be sure and upfront. I also learned that I could give him information and let him come to me with thoughts, questions and concerns. I was given the ideas to demonstrate proper prophylactic use and discussing other methods of birth control. Talking to and interacting with girls and how to know if a girl likes him all also came up.

I have decided to have a father/son or just boys day out with him. Just the two of us, having fun... maybe a movie and dinner at one of our favorite spots. Maybe we might get away for a weekend. I figure it would be easier to ease him and myself into it and set the pace of the conversation if I we can talk through out the day. Not just about sex, but whatever might be on his mind. I don't want to rush into then out of it.

I am ready though. I will keep you guys up to date.

ok, about having the "talk" with your son, it's never too early. Have a conversation, do not lecture. Ask him what he already knows or thinks he knows. Find out what they may have taught him at school (I know they started health in the 7th grade here) and then fill in the blanks, and there will be a lot of blanks.

Ask him if he has already had sex, if not, ask him if he is interested in it. Tell him you are available at anytime if he has questions or if he just needs to talk. Make sure he knows that you won't judge him if he already has had intercourse.

Also, make sure he is aware that just because his friends are doing it or just because he thinks it will make him a man are not excuses to go ahead and do it if he has not yet. It has to be something he feels he wants to do.

And the most important thing, in my opinion, is to be sure that he knows how to respect himself, first, and just as much as he respects what ever young lady he is interested in.

Personal Note: A few things that I aways stressed repeatedly with my kids were that sex is not for children, that it creates too many emotions and conflicts that they are not equipped to handle. That its not an activity to pass the time. I explained that even though you can do it, does not mean you should and that to remember that regardless of how good it feels, the main end result of sex is to have children which is something they need to always keep in their minds because I will not raise their children.

Smooches...

I made the decision early on that, unlike my parents, I would be open with my daughter about sex. I was always scared to talk about it with them and got my education from books, magazines, and my friends. I never wanted Em to be as embarrassed about it like I was. It was a different time, too.

I have always used books to help me figure out how to word things appropriately. I had a great book that had "The Birds and the Bees For a Four-year-old" in it. It was simple, to the point, but age appropriate. Later, in elementary school, they did the "Boy film" and the "Girl film" when they separated them to explain reproduction. On that day, I asked her how it was, and she told me the infamous hampster story which almost caused me to drive right through the other side of my garage. (You may remember this story. If not, I'll tell ya sometime.)

She's always felt comfortable talking to me about things going on with the kids at school, whether it's drugs, sexual stuff, or how they treat one another. Fortunately, my kid thinks most boys her age are ridiculous, anyway, and, like her mom, she doesn't do things just because it's popular.

When she started middle school I came across a book called "It's Perfectly Normal". It addresses everything from body image to masturbation, homosexuality, and birth control without bias. I gave it to her and paged through it with her to show her what was in it and giggle at the drawings. She kept it in her room where she could read it whenever she wanted. She still knows she can ask me anything, but at least she had the information already.

I know you will handle it well, my dear. Just don't judge, don't lecture, and most importantly LISTEN. But you didn't need me to tell you that.

I still can't believe you are having issues with this. LOL The you that I know should be able to tackle this with no problem. Being that you are already open with your son about things in general, this should be a no brainer. You say you've talked to him about other things pertaining to females, so this convo is just the next step - a natural progression of things, right?

The stuff about his mom shouldn't be an issue. He should be well aware that all females are not the same. If he's as smart as you say he is, he's already figured that out. If he's as mature as you say he is, it may not be as uncomfortable or awkward as you think. You know your son, so bring it to him the way you bring him everything else. Who knows? He might not need a lot of talking to if you're lucky. He's MiniYou, right? LOL

I wanted to have 'the talk' with my niece when she was around 14 or 15. That may seem late to you, but she was still complaining that she had never had a boyfriend and couldn't even get the guys to look at her. An upcoming episode of Dateline was airing that addressed teens and sex so I told her that we had a date to watch a show together and for her to clear her calendar. I was nervous and I knew she would be uncomfortable, so I did not have her come over to my apartment. When it was time for the episode to come on, I just called her up and we stayed on the phone together. She was a little annoyed because she was embarrassed but I knew it was important.

They talked about girls at school giving oral in the bathroom and first times and frequency and other things I would not have thought of. You can probably go to their web site and find it online. After it was over, we discussed respecting yourself and a few other things. Turned out she had already had 'the talk' with her mother, but some of this stuff had never been discussed with her. I asked her if she was sexually active or even thinking of it. The whole thing was difficult for me, but I patted myself on the back for finding a clever entry point. When she did become sexually active in college, her behavior changed so much that I felt it and knew what was going on with her. Turns out that I was the only one who knew what was going on and she was so grateful to have a mature adult to talk with about everything.

Keeping the communication flowing, even after the initial talk, is important. It was hard at first, but I am so glad that I did it. Another thing you could do is write all your questions on paper and have one copy for you and one for him, if yo want. That way, you don't skip anything because of nerves. You could also have a more open precocious cousin of his in on the conversation. Since you are not their parent, they may be more open and get the ball rolling by saying things your son may not want to say at first. Often kids want to talk with an adult about this stuff, but they don't know who would be cool enough to talk with. But once the conversation starts, it is easier to keep it going. Also, don't forget that the first talk is just that; the first one. Keep the talks going every couple of months. He's going to need guidance because real relationships bring on a whole new set of emotions and experimentation and he will need to talk with you more than ever.

By the way, I found this site because you are a member of 43things. Whatever happened with your job situation? I think I told you about trying the fashion industry. Let me know because I hope things went well for you. My profile is VeeShay on 43things.