I Don’t Know

I held off on posting this for a several of weeks now. I have seriously messed up. I am posting it now because most people are already aware of what has taken place. I am not trying to justify my actions as there is no justification.

I started this on the 29^th. The post was named for a friend, I have now lost. My fault.

Sometimes loneliness gets the best of me. I don’t know what it is, but I feel so empty on days like this when I don’t have much to do. I just start thinking and realize that I don’t have anyone to think about, no one to call my own.

It’s been about a week and a half, lost for words. Reaching far… I am really into her, but who am I kidding? I don’t deserve it. It isn’t real. It will pass. She is young and just discovering things. I don’t want to disrupt her life but I fear I already have. No matter how hard I fight it. I want to be near her. It’s unbelievable but I spend so much time on the phone with her. It hasn’t been long. I am just a fad though, she is with someone and I am just a fleeting moment but still I find myself looking forward to interacting with her.

Someone came out to me. I am not quite sure how to take it. She likes me? I think. I could like her. I mean from what I know, she is like sweet and selfless and intelligent and oh my God is she pretty. I never though she even noticed me. In fact, I thought she was ignoring me purposely. I am truly clueless. I am so excited.

What about the other one? I can’t tell her. She’s going to hate me. Or will she understand? If I give her up, I could be giving up something for nothing. Before Mickey left, she did say not to put all my eggs in one basket. I hate being into someone. I get so scared to give in. I need to work out what I am feeling… before someone gets hurt, then I will be hurt.

Picking up today… I mentioned that I had been writing and that I needed to get my thoughts together and make sure there were no misunderstandings. I didn’t want to put any names out at request.

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I could save something from both of them, some portion of the relationship or what have you. I thought…

During the last couple of weeks. I was faced with a decision. I needed to choose between someone young, and open and sweet, who I loved hanging out with, who made me smile… The other was a little more established and in line with what I want in my life and I would have had less impact on her life, we could move forward together and I wouldn’t feel like I was leading.

Things were still moving between me and the former but not with the latter. I wavered. The first one was there and when the second didn’t come through I went to the her because she made me feel good, she made me forget for the moment. All the while I was telling her that I was into the second, I never really pulled back and I didn’t realize it until it was too late. I tried to be clear about what I was feeling but my actions told a different story.

Tags: friends

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 15th, 2008 at 11:45 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.