I used to write so much. At some point I kept a little leather bound journal and a separate “dream” diary. This happens to be from my “Big Black Book.” That is where I started writing my feelings and the details of my life — Not for anyone to read, but to get it out — So many times I felt as though I was going to burst and I have never had anyone to tell these things, that is until I started blogging.
Seems my feelings got worse. I am typing from my written copy then I’m going back and making these comments. It turns out since I am only reading as I type, my memory is being jogged. I am remembering the times she cheated on me and wondering why I dealt with it for so long. I guess in the beginning it didn’t matter and as time went on it just wasn’t worth it.
She always says I can only bring up one person, but she admitted others to me after trying to hide it. The fact is, I have never cheated on anyone and never will.
I’m feeling it. What I thought would be is not and what I could never imagine is. She’s been gone since Friday. At 1st I was melancholy. She did not call me. Perhaps that’s what set the ball in play. I guess she doesn’t miss me after all, so why should I miss her.
I’ll not speculate. But if something did happen I hope she doesn’t hide it from me or, better yet, I can see for myself. I won’t deny I love her. I will retract however, I can live w/o her.
Everything is 4 my personal ascent & 4 my sons well–being. Someday I will be able to break loves spell and move on.
Can’t knock the way a nigga eating.
Feel my triumph, never, Feel my pain, you lying.
Live out my dreams till my heart get found.
Fuck ‘em 4 hatin’ a nigga lovin’ his life. [sic]
Now this Mother’s Day, she is likely expecting a call or some sort of communication from me. Truth is I don’t speak to her. When she talks to me, I try to limit my answers to five words or less. For my son it’s worse, he is silent most of the time. I have to make him respond appropriately.
I have never felt she was much of a mother. People who know what I have gone through have been sending me Mother’s Day wishes all day. It’s just a matter of time before my son calls to wish me the same. He did last year.
My son’s mother is pregnant. While that by itself is no big deal. Her baby was fathered by my cousin, my son’s cousin. What kind of mother would put her children through something as emotional as that?
Twitter – I Don’t Want a Cousin, originally uploaded by Dramatic. Minimee and I were talking at Parkside Restaurant on Flatbush Avenue about the instant message from the day before: Please Stop Her!
Sometimes, I if I might be wrong. Maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe Minimee is picking up my disdain for her. Then again, up until two years ago, it seemed things were alright then my son took it upon himself to move out. He packed his little stuff a bit at a time and moved in with me. Small things like getting him to call her, just to say “Hi!” became a challenge. He would burst into tears. As much as I can’t stand her, trying to make sure my son has a relationship with his mother is important to me… because it is the right thing.
Tags: mother's day, repost