Just when things got so bad, she decided that kind words and encouragement weren’t enough. She decided that saying things would be better wasn’t enough if you weren’t willing to help them get better.

She, actually, happened on my original blog the year before, just before New Year, I think. Her advice, then really didn’t hit me like it should have. I was being acted on, I have become really good at this as of late — More on this in a later post.

She is now counted among my dearest friends, since we met earlier this year. She saw past her own situation, stepped out and exposed herself to me. She sent me some money to get me started. It is really hard for me to accept charity, gifts or whatever but she made me an off I couldn’t refuse.

Since this time, we have been there to support each other. Talk each other onto or off the ledge, depending on your point of view. Lately, she has been trying to help me up on the ledge — Eric B. and Rakim plays in background — I need to take a leap of faith… Just don’t think I’m ready, I’m scared. I have been suffering from a massive loss of confidence. I know she has enough for the both of us. I know she realizes I need a bit of easing, I think she is my friend and is willing to work with me.

My gift on this day was one my “Guardian Angel’s,” Vera.

Who would have thought through our limited conversations about the people you were trying to push out of your life and the ones I had hoped to pull into mine we’d have arrived here? Then, it was so much about everyone else, our friends, our family, our work…

We worked together. Even though we flirted a bit, I never knew… Thinking back to all the times you would sit on my desk, the times you rubbed my back and neck, the times you just looked at me, smiled… On my break, “What are you bringing me back?” Always thought you were joking.

Who would have thought, today, you’d be watching me sleep and have stories of my Slumberland Adventures? My whispering, my moaning, my chuckling…

Who would have known, today, I would be so flattered by the stories about how I made you feel then? About the charge you got from being close to me, how deeply you were moved by the warmth of my breath on your neck or how you got chills from the dancing of my fingertips on your skin.

I remember the stories you would tell me about your new boyfriend and your friends approach to dating. I remember telling you about someone I couldn’t shake… I didn’t realize then you were trying to tell me how different you are to them. I never thought…

I never thought when I slipped you my number on the little yellow Post-it, you’d never call… Excuses… Then give me yours and start calling me every night, when you were sure I would be settled in the car, to talk about nothing, anything or everything.

Who would have thought I’d be coming out to see you? You watching for me in the window with your phone in hand… Running down the steps in your itty bitty shorts to open the door for me. Then the penny tour…

Who would have thought, that after all your talk, you would have blushed when we were too close with no one and nothing to keep us in check? I still giggle at you hiding your face in your hands.

Who knows how much further this will go? I know I enjoyed every second or every minute of the time I spent with you. I look forward to next time. Who would have thought we would be where we are today? I never did!

I did not have the easiest of childhoods. Most of us didn’t. I can remember going across the street to my paternal Grandmother’s, where my only aunt would crack the door with chain behind it only to say to me “We ain’t got nothing for you,” then close the door and I’d take the steps down and come home. It was like this every year.

I never really had any gifts and even when I did, they weren’t under a tree, wrapped up, as is supposed to be the custom. I started to get gifts more regularly when I started hustling in school and could buy my own.

Lunch tickets were my thing. The better to do kids were always willing to pay half to two-thirds price for a full price ticket. It worked for me. After all I hated school lunch. The goodies to be had after school from funds made and / or saved were what we wanted.

My self purchased gifts were usually He-Man or G.I. Joe action figures and vehicles. Sometimes, I’d even wrap them up and pretend. I had to remember to save up enough to get at least one pair of sneakers, jeans and shirt that I could run for a little while or get made fun of.

I grew up hating this time of year. Wasted a lot of time crying about what I wish my life had been or could be.

As I got older, things never really got better. The holidays are marked, for me, by major losses… Loss of friends, jobs, reminders of what the holidays used to be for me and finally deaths of many of the few I have allowed to get close.

I have come to realize that I have been deprived. At first, by others… Later, by myself. I had become a Grinch. My heart withering and cold… I realized that I wasn’t alone so much as I was keeping to myself.

Today, I am proud to say that I am no longer that Grinch. I am not sad this year. I don’t have much, but this year I will do the best I can for my son. I always make sure he has but the last couple of years have been extra rough, for the both of us.

On the first day… The Grinch is no more and I can count this among my triumphs.

Well I am not sure. Perhaps this is just a part of my growth. Maybe, just maybe, I am letting go of what used to make me so sad and just haven’t figured out how to be happy during the holidays, yet.

I haven’t sat down and really thought about what subjects I will cover over the next twelve days. I rarely do. I usually just sit or lay and start pecking away at the keyboard.

Perhaps, it will not be a recounting of sadder days. It might just be positive conclusions to less happy times. I could be the present day observations of my life’s journey. It will, likely, be all of the above.

Anyway, stay tuned, strap in, hold tight… This is sure to be one hell of a ride.