A man’s perceptions as perceived by a woman…

I think men lie 2 big women. They say they like women w/ meat on their bones but then r they breaking their necks 2 look @ the skinny ones.

The consensus was that men like looking at all women. Retorted by

…my male friends all say they are not into skinny women and then when they are talking to you, they can’t complete a sentence… Why? Because some woman with no butt, no tits, no hips and no thighs just walked by. I mean come on!

Maybe it’s just your mail friends. I am not going to say I don’t look. I do! I just try not to stare. I personally think it’s disrespectful for a conversation to be disrupted in this manner, no matter what the relationship is with the initial woman. If the two of you can share the viewing, the it’s whatever, but your attention shouldn’t be stolen.

The breakdown… Skinny, thick, bootylicious, big boned… Do you agree with the breakdown? Where do you feel you fall in this breakdown? Is it a fair hierarchy? My categorization is slightly different. I am not a body snob as Digi puts it, at least not as far as weight goes. I just feel that women should have curves. What do you think?

To fast forward a bit… The conversation went on for a few hours that day and continued the following day. After a while it began to seem to me a bit of hurt was coming through from some of the women’s responses. I counted about six bloggers in the conversation. We recognized that the subject matter was too broad and too deep to discuss restricted to one-hundred forty (140) characters.

Rik suggested a joint blogging project between himself, Tanya & I. Hours later… In My Skin was born. The idea being to open discussions of issues relevant to us… Health, social, parenting, dating, economics… The possibilities are endless.

My sleep pattern had become so out of whack with sleepless nights and sleeping too much throughout the day. I was getting some sleep, just not good sleep. Sometimes even waking up not knowing where I was, that isn’t good. I tried to stay up to reset but sleep always claimed me when it wanted to.

I started drinking Tazo Calm, which helped a little in the beginning, allowing me to relax just enough to get some quiet. this didn’t work for long though. I found the noise getting louder and louder. Over the last week or so, I had been thinking of putting a bit of cognac in my Calm…

Last night went to Dunkin Donuts to get an extra large cup of hot water… Stopped at the liquor store… Hennessy Privilège V.S.O.P, please. Salivating at this point. I was once a heavy drinker, not so much anymore… Only drinking on occasion, socially (rare) or moments like this. It did not take a whole lot, I was yawning in no time.

Hey, I am still a bit sleepy, so I am going to see if I can catch a few more winks. Yawns deeply!

I did manage to talk to Tanya for like five hours this morning. Funny thing, I am still surprised, we actually talk… sincerely and honestly. She is becoming a good friend. Helping me think about things. Who would have thought, huh?

I am mostly quiet during the day though. I am sure one of my friends is going to read this and wonder why it is that I haven’t been talking to them much. Short answer… I am worn out and have a lot more thoughts running through my head during my waking hours. Long answer, and some might not agree… I know you care and ask how I am doing because you are concerned but some of the time you don’t hear or understand my replies and it’s frustrating for me.

That and you guys are asleep when things are just beginning to slow down in my head. Once upon a time, I mentioned the noise. It’s back and I hear it all the time.

Sometimes the noise is so loud about tomorrow, I forget what I have to do today. The quieter it is outside the louder the noise is inside.

The cries of my failures. The cheers of triumphs past. My fears howl in the night. Where, why, when? All I know is the who, it’s me. Isn’t it?

I do want to escape. I do want to silence it. How? The noise, it’s calling me to bed now.

This time the noise seems so loud that nothing helps me to shut it out.

The dream was extremely vivid. I woke up screaming this morning… Well not exactly screaming… I was awakened because I heard myself moaning loadly. I had been screaming in my dream. I am still quite a bit confused by what had taken place.

Normally, when I have a dream this realistic, it is based on my reality. Usually, my life is taking a turn and I am processing events, past and future, and possible outcomes. It would be great that I could do this… if I could always remember my dreams when they’d be most helpful.

This time it wasn’t about an endless fall where I took some time on the way down to reflect on how I have lived. It was not about some fight I had long ago that I wished I had apologized for my part in. Nor was it about a possible love I let slip away.

I dreamt of being happy. I dreamt that I was in love or falling in love with a beautiful, sweet woman — Not my perfect, faceless, woman. During the short time I was sleep, things had time to build up to beautiful, perfect moments that could only be tailored in your dreams — Lovemaking under the stars with seamless transitions from waterfalls to beach and then back between our shimmering satin sheets — to horrific.

I had just finished a phone conversation with my son and as I reached over to hang up I saw something under the bed. My first response was to look to her safety. Turning towards her maniacally disfigured face. Don’t be afraid! It doesn’t make you evil, it just brings it out of you, she said. I woke up with her attached to my lower body poking at my cheeks.

What is the message? What am I missing?

We touched on a number of subjects including the way we’ve interacted with each other up until now, my current situation and relationships. Attachments, desires and needs were worked into the conversation.

Needy women… I mentioned that I was attracted to women who need me then she went into strong woman mode, I could never…

When I mentioned my attraction to women who need me, I wasn’t necessarily speaking of needy women. You can need without being needy in my opinion.

At this point in my life, I am looking for interdependence. Two completely whole, independent people, not supplementing, but sharpening… making each other stronger… better.

I have to get better for that though. I have to get myself to the point where I feel I am completely independent. I am having too many ups and downs at this stage in my life. I think I should be more stable.

Right now, I am feeling like the needy one. Thank you Tanya, for everything. For the movie, the dinner, the conversation. I appreciate it. Thank you!

I have been thinking a lot about my situation. I am still out of work, going broke, watching my checking account overdraw everyday. Of all of the people I have help, not the people who are strapped themselves, but the people who I have clearly helped and seen their situations progress, some beyond what mine was are no where to be found. I did not help you for recognition, nor do I want anything from you but a simple how are you today, is there anything I can do would do me very well. At least you cared enough to ask right.

Luckily, I have friends who are interested in how I am doing. Wanting to know if and how I have eaten on a particular day, like yesterday… I know you guys are willing to do what you can to make sure I am OK. Takes too much of who I am to ask or accept, but I appreciate it.

I realize that this will be one of my less memorable posts. Almost completely bereft of passion, devoid of emotion, no feeling what so ever… I really should stop now, shouldn’t I? I don’t have a whole lot of fight in me right now. I am tired.

While some of you will disagree and have chastised me about it, I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to. You guys have so much on your own plates, why overeat, you know? I really don’t want to burden you guys.