My sleep pattern had become so out of whack with sleepless nights and sleeping too much throughout the day. I was getting some sleep, just not good sleep. Sometimes even waking up not knowing where I was, that isn’t good. I tried to stay up to reset but sleep always claimed me when it wanted to.

I started drinking Tazo Calm, which helped a little in the beginning, allowing me to relax just enough to get some quiet. this didn’t work for long though. I found the noise getting louder and louder. Over the last week or so, I had been thinking of putting a bit of cognac in my Calm…

Last night went to Dunkin Donuts to get an extra large cup of hot water… Stopped at the liquor store… Hennessy Privilège V.S.O.P, please. Salivating at this point. I was once a heavy drinker, not so much anymore… Only drinking on occasion, socially (rare) or moments like this. It did not take a whole lot, I was yawning in no time.

Hey, I am still a bit sleepy, so I am going to see if I can catch a few more winks. Yawns deeply!

I did manage to talk to Tanya for like five hours this morning. Funny thing, I am still surprised, we actually talk… sincerely and honestly. She is becoming a good friend. Helping me think about things. Who would have thought, huh?

I am mostly quiet during the day though. I am sure one of my friends is going to read this and wonder why it is that I haven’t been talking to them much. Short answer… I am worn out and have a lot more thoughts running through my head during my waking hours. Long answer, and some might not agree… I know you care and ask how I am doing because you are concerned but some of the time you don’t hear or understand my replies and it’s frustrating for me.

That and you guys are asleep when things are just beginning to slow down in my head. Once upon a time, I mentioned the noise. It’s back and I hear it all the time.

Sometimes the noise is so loud about tomorrow, I forget what I have to do today. The quieter it is outside the louder the noise is inside.

The cries of my failures. The cheers of triumphs past. My fears howl in the night. Where, why, when? All I know is the who, it’s me. Isn’t it?

I do want to escape. I do want to silence it. How? The noise, it’s calling me to bed now.

This time the noise seems so loud that nothing helps me to shut it out.

I have been thinking a lot about my situation. I am still out of work, going broke, watching my checking account overdraw everyday. Of all of the people I have help, not the people who are strapped themselves, but the people who I have clearly helped and seen their situations progress, some beyond what mine was are no where to be found. I did not help you for recognition, nor do I want anything from you but a simple how are you today, is there anything I can do would do me very well. At least you cared enough to ask right.

Luckily, I have friends who are interested in how I am doing. Wanting to know if and how I have eaten on a particular day, like yesterday… I know you guys are willing to do what you can to make sure I am OK. Takes too much of who I am to ask or accept, but I appreciate it.

I realize that this will be one of my less memorable posts. Almost completely bereft of passion, devoid of emotion, no feeling what so ever… I really should stop now, shouldn’t I? I don’t have a whole lot of fight in me right now. I am tired.

While some of you will disagree and have chastised me about it, I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to. You guys have so much on your own plates, why overeat, you know? I really don’t want to burden you guys.