Here I am.
There you are.
Separated by everything,
and nothing,
for I am drawn to you…
despite the distance.

The succession of days
has spawned
obsessive thoughts .
There isn’t a moment
I’m not thinking of you…
fantasizing about you…
longing for you.

You’re no longer on my mind,
You’re inside it.

I can feel you
without holding you.
I can taste you
without kissing you.
With mere words
you carry me to a place
where imagination and actuality
are becoming deeply intimate.

No one has ever held me
the way you envelope me…
and you’ve never touched me.

No one has seduced me
the way you arouse me
and you’re miles away…

You appeal to my sense of self
and leave me fascinated with not only who you are
but who I am as well…

I already marvel at the man you are
and I’ve never seen you…

Imagine what would happen
If we were ever face to face…[sic]

I have a fresh view of what I need a woman, my woman, to be. While this view is as incomplete as we were when we got together and set out to be what we have become. Our hearts are together always, though our bodies are far apart.

I remember you admonishing me for my gentleness with you. My goal was not ever to release but to hold on as long as I could.

Sometimes, it was just enough to lay inside you… My body on yours… My cheek to your breast. Coming up only for the nourishment I found on your lips. Looking into your eyes, beautiful though they were, reminded me that, then, you were mine… But only in that moment. I was never to hold you forever, like we talked about.

Soon we learned to treat each other as properly. Our hunger for each other fed and ultimately sated. You learned to nurture my love with the gentleness I needed to soothe my angers and aggression and give me a sense that my world was not as lonely as I had thought. You taught me to unleash my fury on you… After all, this is what you had wished for all along.

Gripping your throat, biting your lip… Your legs on my shoulders… penetration, now a series of quick introductions and slow exits… Hastening to the rhythm or our tandem heartbeats… Turning you over, reaching for my belt… Your long strawberry scented hair wrapped around my fingers… Wielding my thick leather strap as if it were a master’s brush painting your milky white canvas various degrees of red with every stroke.

Then finally, together, we let go… Our pains, suffering, frustrations, doubts… Laying together, your body wrapped in mine… The both of us trembling. I kiss your shoulder… The laughter starts. We laugh and laugh as we watch the light of Sun as it rises behind us on the wall… We begin to slowly drift off… Memories of the night that has just gone and hopes for the night to come.

Soon after that we were regular visitors in each other’s beds, multiple sessions per visit, rarely missing a day… Often cursing nature for interrupting our bonding.

I became intoxicated with you. Could never see a future without you. I still feel you here. Often you invade my dreams. Thoughts of your muscular legs around my thick trunk. Sweat glistening on your deep cocoa skin… Beads of sweat dripping off of my face and riding through the deep valley of your bosom.

The warm candy liqueur of your lips giving loaning me the courage to venture deeper in… inside you. Your scent heightening my desire. You throw your head back as your body reaches it’s limit and you exhale as you release…

You were so ready to give yourself to me completely. I couldn’t let that happen, I did not want either of our identities to be lost to the other. We were both trying so hard to define ourselves as individuals and set ourselves apart.

What if we did? I mean all those years ago, what would have happened? Who would we be if we got together and started building our lives for each other instead of for ourselves? So many years later, I still wonder. Still, I don’t regret my choices where you are concerned.

Some day maybe we’ll find some answers to all of those questions we had. Maybe you’ve found them with someone else already. As for me, I don’t know anything more than I did then except that you are better off than you would have been with me.

Maybe I should just say it before you put this down…

I love you! I love you and I am sorry for all of my mistakes, mistakes I have made concerning you… us. Isn’t that how it all started though? I mean, there was never any you and I but we knew there was meant to an us.

Considering how this all started… The circumstances under which we met… They weren’t ideal. Still I could not contain my excitement.

I mean… I am not even sure I want you to know how deeply I feel what I am about to say… I don’t want it to change anything. You have since moved on, are happy and that means everything to me. Still, I do love you. I don’t know exactly when it happened or how, but it just hit me so hard then… didn’t know how or what to do… I did tell you then, but given everything that had happen… Well, you know… We are where we are now…

When I realized how deeply I was feeling you, nothing else mattered… I just wanted… desired… needed to be with you… I still do… need you, I mean. I need the friend that would have come with my lover, my girl, my… everything I had hoped you’d become to me. She was of peripheral concern.

Well not really, she was my friend. I guess I did know she had feelings for me. I wanted you. I just did not want to hurt her. I ended up hurting the both of you. If I could go back, there is so much I would do differently.

I knew then I wasn’t good enough for you, I know now… I may never be good enough for you… even though you have made me better, I am nothing without you.

You probably would have laughed if you could see me shut down, listening to all the songs of the broken hearts that had the strength to say all the things I couldn’t before me… All the tears I shed… the social coma… the silence… LOL thinking back, I am sick of myself.

See… I am not going to go into what led to my fucked up thought processes then, I don’t want to name anyone… Interestingly enough, things just wasn’t as they were said to be… I should have just been like fuck everyone, but funny thing… You are the only one left… I am talking to you, you to me… one reason or other… everyone else is gone! Shedding them and keeping you was well worth it.

I have been carrying this inside me for a long time, sometimes fighting it, always losing to the way I feel. I have been having dreams… Seeing you in my most perfect dream moments.

Maybe, I have said too much, but I just wanted you to know.

Just when things got so bad, she decided that kind words and encouragement weren’t enough. She decided that saying things would be better wasn’t enough if you weren’t willing to help them get better.

She, actually, happened on my original blog the year before, just before New Year, I think. Her advice, then really didn’t hit me like it should have. I was being acted on, I have become really good at this as of late — More on this in a later post.

She is now counted among my dearest friends, since we met earlier this year. She saw past her own situation, stepped out and exposed herself to me. She sent me some money to get me started. It is really hard for me to accept charity, gifts or whatever but she made me an off I couldn’t refuse.

Since this time, we have been there to support each other. Talk each other onto or off the ledge, depending on your point of view. Lately, she has been trying to help me up on the ledge — Eric B. and Rakim plays in background — I need to take a leap of faith… Just don’t think I’m ready, I’m scared. I have been suffering from a massive loss of confidence. I know she has enough for the both of us. I know she realizes I need a bit of easing, I think she is my friend and is willing to work with me.

My gift on this day was one my “Guardian Angel’s,” Vera.

Who would have thought through our limited conversations about the people you were trying to push out of your life and the ones I had hoped to pull into mine we’d have arrived here? Then, it was so much about everyone else, our friends, our family, our work…

We worked together. Even though we flirted a bit, I never knew… Thinking back to all the times you would sit on my desk, the times you rubbed my back and neck, the times you just looked at me, smiled… On my break, “What are you bringing me back?” Always thought you were joking.

Who would have thought, today, you’d be watching me sleep and have stories of my Slumberland Adventures? My whispering, my moaning, my chuckling…

Who would have known, today, I would be so flattered by the stories about how I made you feel then? About the charge you got from being close to me, how deeply you were moved by the warmth of my breath on your neck or how you got chills from the dancing of my fingertips on your skin.

I remember the stories you would tell me about your new boyfriend and your friends approach to dating. I remember telling you about someone I couldn’t shake… I didn’t realize then you were trying to tell me how different you are to them. I never thought…

I never thought when I slipped you my number on the little yellow Post-it, you’d never call… Excuses… Then give me yours and start calling me every night, when you were sure I would be settled in the car, to talk about nothing, anything or everything.

Who would have thought I’d be coming out to see you? You watching for me in the window with your phone in hand… Running down the steps in your itty bitty shorts to open the door for me. Then the penny tour…

Who would have thought, that after all your talk, you would have blushed when we were too close with no one and nothing to keep us in check? I still giggle at you hiding your face in your hands.

Who knows how much further this will go? I know I enjoyed every second or every minute of the time I spent with you. I look forward to next time. Who would have thought we would be where we are today? I never did!

I started this on the 29^th. The post was named for a friend, I have now lost. My fault.

Sometimes loneliness gets the best of me. I don’t know what it is, but I feel so empty on days like this when I don’t have much to do. I just start thinking and realize that I don’t have anyone to think about, no one to call my own.

It’s been about a week and a half, lost for words. Reaching far… I am really into her, but who am I kidding? I don’t deserve it. It isn’t real. It will pass. She is young and just discovering things. I don’t want to disrupt her life but I fear I already have. No matter how hard I fight it. I want to be near her. It’s unbelievable but I spend so much time on the phone with her. It hasn’t been long. I am just a fad though, she is with someone and I am just a fleeting moment but still I find myself looking forward to interacting with her.

Someone came out to me. I am not quite sure how to take it. She likes me? I think. I could like her. I mean from what I know, she is like sweet and selfless and intelligent and oh my God is she pretty. I never though she even noticed me. In fact, I thought she was ignoring me purposely. I am truly clueless. I am so excited.

What about the other one? I can’t tell her. She’s going to hate me. Or will she understand? If I give her up, I could be giving up something for nothing. Before Mickey left, she did say not to put all my eggs in one basket. I hate being into someone. I get so scared to give in. I need to work out what I am feeling… before someone gets hurt, then I will be hurt.

Picking up today… I mentioned that I had been writing and that I needed to get my thoughts together and make sure there were no misunderstandings. I didn’t want to put any names out at request.

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I could save something from both of them, some portion of the relationship or what have you. I thought…

During the last couple of weeks. I was faced with a decision. I needed to choose between someone young, and open and sweet, who I loved hanging out with, who made me smile… The other was a little more established and in line with what I want in my life and I would have had less impact on her life, we could move forward together and I wouldn’t feel like I was leading.

Things were still moving between me and the former but not with the latter. I wavered. The first one was there and when the second didn’t come through I went to the her because she made me feel good, she made me forget for the moment. All the while I was telling her that I was into the second, I never really pulled back and I didn’t realize it until it was too late. I tried to be clear about what I was feeling but my actions told a different story.

I just got me a new one torn. Admittedly, I was wrong. I didn’t realize how out of hand things had gotten. At one point, I didn’t thing I was being taken seriously, now I know different. Problem is, I may have lost two of the best females I have ever met. Like I just told them in a conversation I had with the both of them… I am sorry.

I flirt. I flirt a lot. A lot of the time I don’t even know that I am doing it. Recently, I have realized that I have been flirting too much. If I have flirted with you, especially recently, I hope you understood that it was just flirting and meant to be harmless.

With the two ladies, it was different. I am not going to get into names or specifics. This is not to protect myself, but I think I have done them both enough of a disservice. I am sincerely sorry. They brought to my attention that I had been telling them both much of the same things. I can’t say I am sorry enough. I am especially sorry if I have hurt anyone.

I have a tightness in my chest. I realize my fault. I wish there was someway to correct the situation but there isn’t. Whatever happens I supposed I deserve what I get.

I have destroyed a confidence. I took for granted who I am and what effect I could have on other people. I try to tell everyone to read in context, but I guess I can’t fault you for not knowing what’s going on in my head.

There are no excuses. I wanted to make it right when I realized what was happening, but I realized I was weak. I have been more lonely recently and almost desperate. Someone often jokes that I am soft. The words she uses to describe me escapes me at the moment. The gist is that I am emotional and feminine, sometimes.

I have been lonely and sort of crying out for attention and accepting it where I could get it. In the midst of it all I have become something I am not and there is no excuse. You know the argument was made if I am going to do it, why do it where people are and interact with each other and the truth is that I never took it that serious. This time it was serious and I tried to stop it before it was too late but it was already out of my control. Now I am feeling stupid. I say again, I deserve it and probably a lot more. I may have gotten off easy. I don’t think it’s over though.

I was torn. Torn between someone who gave me all of the attention I wanted and needed and someone who seemed to want all the same things I wanted. When one wasn’t there, the other was and I just went with it. It wasn’t fair to either of them. I realize that. I seriously fucked up.

I apologize to you all for not being who you thought me to be.