Here I am.
There you are.
Separated by everything,
and nothing,
for I am drawn to you…
despite the distance.

The succession of days
has spawned
obsessive thoughts .
There isn’t a moment
I’m not thinking of you…
fantasizing about you…
longing for you.

You’re no longer on my mind,
You’re inside it.

I can feel you
without holding you.
I can taste you
without kissing you.
With mere words
you carry me to a place
where imagination and actuality
are becoming deeply intimate.

No one has ever held me
the way you envelope me…
and you’ve never touched me.

No one has seduced me
the way you arouse me
and you’re miles away…

You appeal to my sense of self
and leave me fascinated with not only who you are
but who I am as well…

I already marvel at the man you are
and I’ve never seen you…

Imagine what would happen
If we were ever face to face…[sic]

I have a fresh view of what I need a woman, my woman, to be. While this view is as incomplete as we were when we got together and set out to be what we have become. Our hearts are together always, though our bodies are far apart.

I remember you admonishing me for my gentleness with you. My goal was not ever to release but to hold on as long as I could.

Sometimes, it was just enough to lay inside you… My body on yours… My cheek to your breast. Coming up only for the nourishment I found on your lips. Looking into your eyes, beautiful though they were, reminded me that, then, your were mine… But only in that moment. I was never to hold you forever, like we talked about.

Soon we learned to treat each other as properly. Our hunger for each other fed and ultimately sated. You learned to nurture my love with the gentleness I needed to soothe my angers and aggression and give me a sense that my world was not as lonely as I had thought. You taught me to unleash my fury on you… After all, this is what you had wished for all along.

Gripping your throat, biting your lip… Your legs on my shoulders… penetration, now a series of quick introductions and slow exits… Hastening to the rhythm or our tandem heartbeats… Turning you over, reaching for my belt… Your long strawberry scented hair wrapped around my fingers… Wielding my thick leather strap as if it were a master’s brush painting your milky white canvas various degrees of red with every stroke.

Then finally, together, we let go… Our pains, suffering, frustrations, doubts… Laying together, your body wrapped in mine… The both of us trembling. I kiss your shoulder… The laughter starts. We laugh and laugh as we watch the light of Sun as it rises behind us on the wall… We begin to slowly drift off… Memories of the night that has just gone and hopes for the night to come.

Soon after that we were regular visitors in each other’s beds, multiple sessions per visit, rarely missing a day… Often cursing nature for interrupting our bonding.

I became intoxicated with you. Could never see a future without you. I still feel you here. Often you invade my dreams. Thoughts of your muscular legs around my thick trunk. Sweat glistening on your deep cocoa skin… Beads of sweat dripping off of my face and riding through the deep valley of your bosom.

The warm candy liqueur of your lips giving loaning me the courage to venture deeper in… inside you. Your scent heightening my desire. You throw your head back as your body reaches it’s limit and you exhale as you release…

You were so ready to give yourself to me completely. I couldn’t let that happen, I did not want either of our identities to be lost to the other. We were both trying so hard to define ourselves as individuals and set ourselves apart.

What if we did? I mean all those years ago, what would have happened? Who would we be if we got together and started building our lives for each other instead of for ourselves? So many years later, I still wonder. Still, I don’t regret my choices where you are concerned.

Some day maybe we’ll find some answers to all of those questions we had. Maybe you’ve found them with someone else already. As for me, I don’t know anything more than I did then except that you are better off than you would have been with me.

I have labored quite a bit as to how I would answer this question. There are just so many possibilities. I have always said there are no perfect women, only a woman that might be perfect for me or you or him or her… I have decided to narrow it down to five traits I find irresistible in women. This is by no means a definitive declaration — there are just too many possibilities — I reserve the right to revisit the subject.

• The physical should be simple enough. For me, it’s all about the presentation. I like pretty almond–shaped eyes and a bright but sometimes bashful smile. Not really a snob about appearance, but neatness counts… sloppy is out. I like curvy women. Women can be thick or slim… it’s their curves that make them a woman. I usually like women thicker on the bottom than top, but a well proportioned woman is… hmmm… great too.
• Maternal instincts and sense are important to me as well. Some of you are well aware of my woes with the other parent. I love a woman who loves and takes care of her children. A woman who makes the a priority and not the afterthought or not a consideration all together.

  Women, especially mothers, raise little girls who will someday become women themselves and raise families and they also raise and help to raise men who will someday love, respect and support them and their families.

• One trait that I find to be an absolute turn on is humility. I don’t mean the woman who has devalued herself and feels broken. I mean the woman who struggles on a daily basis or who is on her grind all the time and sometimes forgets to look in the mirror and thank herself or who just is plain unaware of her enormous beauty and the contribution she makes to her man, her family and at some point the world, just by waking up and starting her routine.
• I like a woman with drive. Ambition is important. Just because you don’t know exactly how to get what you want, doesn’t mean you give up. You work for it. You want it, figure out how you are going to make it yours. It isn’t necessary to have all the answers. You don’t have to be well off. If you are working at McDonald’s and that isn’t where you want to be, you should be working towards that end or if you are on welfare, what are you doing to get off? Get what’s yours!
• I think one of the marks of a perfect woman a sense of a deeper meaning in things and an awareness of things greater than herself. Everyone is part of a whole. I, me, my… Why not us, we and our? You and I can do more together than you or me. Thinks all of us!

Here are just some of the characteristics I would find in my perfect woman. What about you? What traits, characteristics, elements do you want in a mate?

I started this on the 29^th. The post was named for a friend, I have now lost. My fault.

Sometimes loneliness gets the best of me. I don’t know what it is, but I feel so empty on days like this when I don’t have much to do. I just start thinking and realize that I don’t have anyone to think about, no one to call my own.

It’s been about a week and a half, lost for words. Reaching far… I am really into her, but who am I kidding? I don’t deserve it. It isn’t real. It will pass. She is young and just discovering things. I don’t want to disrupt her life but I fear I already have. No matter how hard I fight it. I want to be near her. It’s unbelievable but I spend so much time on the phone with her. It hasn’t been long. I am just a fad though, she is with someone and I am just a fleeting moment but still I find myself looking forward to interacting with her.

Someone came out to me. I am not quite sure how to take it. She likes me? I think. I could like her. I mean from what I know, she is like sweet and selfless and intelligent and oh my God is she pretty. I never though she even noticed me. In fact, I thought she was ignoring me purposely. I am truly clueless. I am so excited.

What about the other one? I can’t tell her. She’s going to hate me. Or will she understand? If I give her up, I could be giving up something for nothing. Before Mickey left, she did say not to put all my eggs in one basket. I hate being into someone. I get so scared to give in. I need to work out what I am feeling… before someone gets hurt, then I will be hurt.

Picking up today… I mentioned that I had been writing and that I needed to get my thoughts together and make sure there were no misunderstandings. I didn’t want to put any names out at request.

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I could save something from both of them, some portion of the relationship or what have you. I thought…

During the last couple of weeks. I was faced with a decision. I needed to choose between someone young, and open and sweet, who I loved hanging out with, who made me smile… The other was a little more established and in line with what I want in my life and I would have had less impact on her life, we could move forward together and I wouldn’t feel like I was leading.

Things were still moving between me and the former but not with the latter. I wavered. The first one was there and when the second didn’t come through I went to the her because she made me feel good, she made me forget for the moment. All the while I was telling her that I was into the second, I never really pulled back and I didn’t realize it until it was too late. I tried to be clear about what I was feeling but my actions told a different story.

I just got me a new one torn. Admittedly, I was wrong. I didn’t realize how out of hand things had gotten. At one point, I didn’t thing I was being taken seriously, now I know different. Problem is, I may have lost two of the best females I have ever met. Like I just told them in a conversation I had with the both of them… I am sorry.

I flirt. I flirt a lot. A lot of the time I don’t even know that I am doing it. Recently, I have realized that I have been flirting too much. If I have flirted with you, especially recently, I hope you understood that it was just flirting and meant to be harmless.

With the two ladies, it was different. I am not going to get into names or specifics. This is not to protect myself, but I think I have done them both enough of a disservice. I am sincerely sorry. They brought to my attention that I had been telling them both much of the same things. I can’t say I am sorry enough. I am especially sorry if I have hurt anyone.

I have a tightness in my chest. I realize my fault. I wish there was someway to correct the situation but there isn’t. Whatever happens I supposed I deserve what I get.

I have destroyed a confidence. I took for granted who I am and what effect I could have on other people. I try to tell everyone to read in context, but I guess I can’t fault you for not knowing what’s going on in my head.

There are no excuses. I wanted to make it right when I realized what was happening, but I realized I was weak. I have been more lonely recently and almost desperate. Someone often jokes that I am soft. The words she uses to describe me escapes me at the moment. The gist is that I am emotional and feminine, sometimes.

I have been lonely and sort of crying out for attention and accepting it where I could get it. In the midst of it all I have become something I am not and there is no excuse. You know the argument was made if I am going to do it, why do it where people are and interact with each other and the truth is that I never took it that serious. This time it was serious and I tried to stop it before it was too late but it was already out of my control. Now I am feeling stupid. I say again, I deserve it and probably a lot more. I may have gotten off easy. I don’t think it’s over though.

I was torn. Torn between someone who gave me all of the attention I wanted and needed and someone who seemed to want all the same things I wanted. When one wasn’t there, the other was and I just went with it. It wasn’t fair to either of them. I realize that. I seriously fucked up.

I apologize to you all for not being who you thought me to be.