Thirteen (13) years ago it was all so much easier… Becoming a teen father, I thought I had it all mapped out. I was going to go at it with all the best intentions. From the moment my son was born, my life changed. Born minutes after Valentine’s day, I thought our baby would be the glue to hold our doomed relationship together. On his second day, I had been recognized with several other new daddies in one of the local papers, recognized for being there when so many aren’t.

Again, the job seemed so easy then. I mean not easy, there are always obstacles, but I knew what my responsibilities were. I was to instill my values in my little boy. Family, hard work, education… Easy enough right?

I have always been proud of being different than I heard other men were. I was the first up at night with the bottle when I heard him cry. I was prepared for all his little moments. I always made sure my boy was able to eat. You know all the things a father should be doing. I didn’t have a father, donor aside, and could not subject my son to the same.

Days, weeks, months and finally years have gone by… Thinking back to how the older women raved about my parenting, how my little one developed very well and so quickly. Being potty trained and giving up the bottle before turning one (1). He was just ready!

By now, I am sure you are noticing a trend… Where is his mother? Well, she decided that I loved him too much and that I didn’t love her or his older sister enough. Early on, she got sick and when she was better, I guess she just did not want to be a mother anymore.

So many things have happened over the years. I don’t and never have had all of the answers. I have been pretty good at faking it or making the best of it. Now, my son is 13, a man in some cultures. He has so far to go, but he is so close. The demi-man has been through so much. He is so intelligent. He is so mature. He learned so much early on about dealing with the people closest to him, but what about the outside world.

Much of his lessons were learned watching me. What about all the things that I can’t teach him? All the things a boy needs to learn from his mother. Things like what a woman is supposed to be. In my eyes, a boy should learn the traits of a strong woman from his mother, his aunt, his grandmother, just like he learns what is is to be a man from the men in his family. They have all fallen short.

How do you teach a young man the differences between a girl, a woman, a lady, when the differences are so fine? How do you teach him to respect her when he doesn’t trust what should have been the blueprint. How does he learn to love her and be compassionate and supportive, when she turned her back on him during moments that counted most.

I am still learning these lessons myself. I guess, I have to deliver my lessons on the fly and have faith that he has learned enough to make the best of whatever else I can teach him.

I have arrived at a new level of uncertainty recently. Nothing is as I had hoped it would right now. I had so many plans, now deferred indefinitely.

That is not to say I haven’t made any positive progress. I filled out all of my financial aid forms for the 2009-10 academic year. If I can find a decent paying job, I’ll take a couple of summer classes. I am waiting a couple of weeks to apply to the school, so I can try to get the application fee waived.

Shocking and possibly horrifying to some of you… I held my son’s brother. That is the right, better, way to think of him… Isn’t it? Well, my son asked me to be there for him. After swaying his view of the situation, I guess the obvious response is to alter my own opinions of that situation. I have to teach my son to be a better man than most and finally a better man than I am. There is no better way to do this than to be a better man myself. Still, I will not assume a paternal role, but I am open to the children of strangers, why not hers. Afterall, she did go half on my greatest achievement to date.

I have come to the realization that I have too many distractions. I have managed to disconnect and in some cases severed, completely, my extraneous inputs. I now have distractions for my distractions.

I am battling the lonelies and a bit of depression. I know I will not be right until everything else comes together. I am trying, I realize that I haven’t put my all in. Find myself feeling sorry for myself. I know I can and will do better. Let’s see where I go with this.

Twitter – Steel, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Yesterday, I had the most wonderful day. I spent it with Minimee. Several weeks ago, he asked if we could walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, and yesterday, being so beautiful, just happened to be the day.

We started the day with breakfast at IHOP, then walked from Downtown Brooklyn through Borough Hall and Cadman Plaza Park to the bridges walkway. We talked the whole walk about various things, including poking fun at some people and school.

He cried when we started talking about his current progress. I explained while I am proud of him and how well he is doing, I am disappointed that he isn’t working to his full potential. He isn’t. I feel he is falling behind where he was. I am not holding him to anyone’s standard but his own. From the time he started school he had set a bar and consistently raised it. I want to know what happened to that boy, what has changed and what we can do to bring all the best of him back?

We talked about my plans. What I wanted to do in the near future, where I feel I am falling short and what I felt and knew are some of my challenges were.

While crossing the bridge, which was crowded, he took in some of the scenery and the history of and facts about the bridge which were posted about midway across. He pointed out some things he wanted me to take pictures of… Snap, snap… LOL.

Finally, on the other side we began walking, from One Centre Street, pass the Old Tweed Courthouse, through Chinatown, SoHo, the East Village, up to Union Square and decided to see a movie. We didn’t have one in mind, so we just went with Quarantine (survival horror), which we both really enjoyed.

When the movie was over we decided to have dinner. We walked back from Union Square to the West Village, after deciding we wanted Uno, which seems to have become our current favorite spot. Dinner was great as usual.

Throughout the day, one of the challenges we discussed is more presently poor credit, which seems to be preventing me from getting a decent apartment, so he can come back and live with me. I know he isn’t happy where he is. It’s hard being with someone, especially one you are supposed to look up to for support, who you don’t / can’t trust. He understood and said he could hold out as long as I needed him to.

You have no idea what that means to me. I really needed to hear that. I needed to know that he was OK. In that moment, it became clear that he has one of my best traits, one that I have long thought lost, my strength. Yesterday, my little boy, loaned me some of that strength and reminded me that he is strong and will not be broken. Today, I feel more connected to him.