Thirteen (13) years ago it was all so much easier… Becoming a teen father, I thought I had it all mapped out. I was going to go at it with all the best intentions. From the moment my son was born, my life changed. Born minutes after Valentine’s day, I thought our baby would be the glue to hold our doomed relationship together. On his second day, I had been recognized with several other new daddies in one of the local papers, recognized for being there when so many aren’t.

Again, the job seemed so easy then. I mean not easy, there are always obstacles, but I knew what my responsibilities were. I was to instill my values in my little boy. Family, hard work, education… Easy enough right?

I have always been proud of being different than I heard other men were. I was the first up at night with the bottle when I heard him cry. I was prepared for all his little moments. I always made sure my boy was able to eat. You know all the things a father should be doing. I didn’t have a father, donor aside, and could not subject my son to the same.

Days, weeks, months and finally years have gone by… Thinking back to how the older women raved about my parenting, how my little one developed very well and so quickly. Being potty trained and giving up the bottle before turning one (1). He was just ready!

By now, I am sure you are noticing a trend… Where is his mother? Well, she decided that I loved him too much and that I didn’t love her or his older sister enough. Early on, she got sick and when she was better, I guess she just did not want to be a mother anymore.

So many things have happened over the years. I don’t and never have had all of the answers. I have been pretty good at faking it or making the best of it. Now, my son is 13, a man in some cultures. He has so far to go, but he is so close. The demi-man has been through so much. He is so intelligent. He is so mature. He learned so much early on about dealing with the people closest to him, but what about the outside world.

Much of his lessons were learned watching me. What about all the things that I can’t teach him? All the things a boy needs to learn from his mother. Things like what a woman is supposed to be. In my eyes, a boy should learn the traits of a strong woman from his mother, his aunt, his grandmother, just like he learns what is is to be a man from the men in his family. They have all fallen short.

How do you teach a young man the differences between a girl, a woman, a lady, when the differences are so fine? How do you teach him to respect her when he doesn’t trust what should have been the blueprint. How does he learn to love her and be compassionate and supportive, when she turned her back on him during moments that counted most.

I am still learning these lessons myself. I guess, I have to deliver my lessons on the fly and have faith that he has learned enough to make the best of whatever else I can teach him.

Soon after that we were regular visitors in each other’s beds, multiple sessions per visit, rarely missing a day… Often cursing nature for interrupting our bonding.

I became intoxicated with you. Could never see a future without you. I still feel you here. Often you invade my dreams. Thoughts of your muscular legs around my thick trunk. Sweat glistening on your deep cocoa skin… Beads of sweat dripping off of my face and riding through the deep valley of your bosom.

The warm candy liqueur of your lips giving loaning me the courage to venture deeper in… inside you. Your scent heightening my desire. You throw your head back as your body reaches it’s limit and you exhale as you release…

You were so ready to give yourself to me completely. I couldn’t let that happen, I did not want either of our identities to be lost to the other. We were both trying so hard to define ourselves as individuals and set ourselves apart.

What if we did? I mean all those years ago, what would have happened? Who would we be if we got together and started building our lives for each other instead of for ourselves? So many years later, I still wonder. Still, I don’t regret my choices where you are concerned.

Some day maybe we’ll find some answers to all of those questions we had. Maybe you’ve found them with someone else already. As for me, I don’t know anything more than I did then except that you are better off than you would have been with me.

I have arrived at a new level of uncertainty recently. Nothing is as I had hoped it would right now. I had so many plans, now deferred indefinitely.

That is not to say I haven’t made any positive progress. I filled out all of my financial aid forms for the 2009-10 academic year. If I can find a decent paying job, I’ll take a couple of summer classes. I am waiting a couple of weeks to apply to the school, so I can try to get the application fee waived.

Shocking and possibly horrifying to some of you… I held my son’s brother. That is the right, better, way to think of him… Isn’t it? Well, my son asked me to be there for him. After swaying his view of the situation, I guess the obvious response is to alter my own opinions of that situation. I have to teach my son to be a better man than most and finally a better man than I am. There is no better way to do this than to be a better man myself. Still, I will not assume a paternal role, but I am open to the children of strangers, why not hers. Afterall, she did go half on my greatest achievement to date.

I have come to the realization that I have too many distractions. I have managed to disconnect and in some cases severed, completely, my extraneous inputs. I now have distractions for my distractions.

I am battling the lonelies and a bit of depression. I know I will not be right until everything else comes together. I am trying, I realize that I haven’t put my all in. Find myself feeling sorry for myself. I know I can and will do better. Let’s see where I go with this.

I decided do the 40 days, 40 nights deal during Lent, which actually comes out to 46 days and nights. Some wondered why, being that I am not religious, would I engage in a period of self-denial, especially during this specific time?

Short answer… Self-discipline. Why during this time? Simply because it’s a specific period of time. I don’t have to think about the number of days aside from when I decided to do it and it’s clearly marked on the calendar by it’s beginning Ash Wednesday and it’s ending Easter. There are little visual cues on those days that let me know when to begin and when my penance is over.

Overall, it wasn’t too difficult. Had to get creative with some stuff, had to revisit some old ways and tried a couple of new things.

I gave up red meat, all added sugar and sex. Giving up sugar wasn’t that hard. I didn’t allow myself any candy or other sweets like cookies, cake, donuts… I could not sweeten any drinks I may have had such as tea or coffee. I did have sugar in juice and some drinks that just had it in there.

Sex was a whole other thing. I haven’t had sex since January. The problem is, when you consciously give it up, you have to either say “No” or avoid situations where it will be too difficult to resist a taste. I wasn’t having it in any way during my time of sacrifice. No self-pleasure, no friend, no receiving, no giving, no fingering, no… well you get it. It was so hard, no pun intended, waking up with my hand in my boxers most days.

Anyway, I made it through, well almost… Two more days to go.

On the job front, I have gotten some calls which in the end yielded no results. This week, I missed an opportunity because I haven’t been checking my mail. I have just been out of it the last couple of weeks.

A few weeks ago, I lost a couple of friends in a car accident. Then there is Sunshine, who is convinced that my life is what it is because she is a part of it. She thinks she is bad luck for me. I love her. She is one of my closest, oldest, dearest friends.

Anyway, I wanted to keep this as short as possible. I will do another update later today or some time before the weekend is out. I hope you are all well.

Off topic: In my air Warm Vanilla Sugar scented candle.

Anyway, some of you seem to not understand that sometimes, I just need my space. This time, I just needed more. I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like being around people. I just feel like being alone. I thought some of you guys would be (t)here regardless.

Over the last month or so, some of the people closest to me have been taking out their frustrations on me. I guess they forget, I have my own myriad of issues to deal with, which I try very hard not to put off on them. I don’t want them to worry about me, they have enough on their plates.

Yes… I am guilty of neglecting my various social networks. Yes… I have been keeping company and conversing with some new people, a couple of which I think will make great additions to my circle in the long run. It’s just that we don’t have that deep a stake in each other yet… Though it seems they rush more to comfort me than the people who know me. I appreciate it.

The lovely Ms. Janie Jones has been one such friend. She is just there. Makes me smile. We talk about absolutely nothing. She is an example of exactly what I need now. I just need someone to be there when I need them to be.

I am trying to make sense, still, of the clutter in my life and make the necessary trims and alterations. I wish I could accommodate everyone, I know I can’t. I know for better or worse this is where lines will be drawn and crossed. I don’t know what’s in store for me. I am seriously unsure about everything.

Just let me relax. What you do or don’t do these days are being weighed in my mind. I am paying more attention to some things and less to others. Thank you for being there for me. If we’ve come to our fork in the road and it’s time to part ways… I understand… I wish you all the best. I won’t soon forget you.

A man’s perceptions as perceived by a woman…

I think men lie 2 big women. They say they like women w/ meat on their bones but then r they breaking their necks 2 look @ the skinny ones.

The consensus was that men like looking at all women. Retorted by

…my male friends all say they are not into skinny women and then when they are talking to you, they can’t complete a sentence… Why? Because some woman with no butt, no tits, no hips and no thighs just walked by. I mean come on!

Maybe it’s just your mail friends. I am not going to say I don’t look. I do! I just try not to stare. I personally think it’s disrespectful for a conversation to be disrupted in this manner, no matter what the relationship is with the initial woman. If the two of you can share the viewing, the it’s whatever, but your attention shouldn’t be stolen.

The breakdown… Skinny, thick, bootylicious, big boned… Do you agree with the breakdown? Where do you feel you fall in this breakdown? Is it a fair hierarchy? My categorization is slightly different. I am not a body snob as Digi puts it, at least not as far as weight goes. I just feel that women should have curves. What do you think?

To fast forward a bit… The conversation went on for a few hours that day and continued the following day. After a while it began to seem to me a bit of hurt was coming through from some of the women’s responses. I counted about six bloggers in the conversation. We recognized that the subject matter was too broad and too deep to discuss restricted to one-hundred forty (140) characters.

Rik suggested a joint blogging project between himself, Tanya & I. Hours later… In My Skin was born. The idea being to open discussions of issues relevant to us… Health, social, parenting, dating, economics… The possibilities are endless.

We touched on a number of subjects including the way we’ve interacted with each other up until now, my current situation and relationships. Attachments, desires and needs were worked into the conversation.

Needy women… I mentioned that I was attracted to women who need me then she went into strong woman mode, I could never…

When I mentioned my attraction to women who need me, I wasn’t necessarily speaking of needy women. You can need without being needy in my opinion.

At this point in my life, I am looking for interdependence. Two completely whole, independent people, not supplementing, but sharpening… making each other stronger… better.

I have to get better for that though. I have to get myself to the point where I feel I am completely independent. I am having too many ups and downs at this stage in my life. I think I should be more stable.

Right now, I am feeling like the needy one. Thank you Tanya, for everything. For the movie, the dinner, the conversation. I appreciate it. Thank you!

She called me from the bus to annoy me. Waiting to hear me say I’ll miss you! Why should I say something you already admitted you know?

You have meant so much to me over the years. It has been a pleasure watching you grow into the lovely lady you are becoming. You make me proud. You give me hope. You inspire me.

I don’t do goodbyes well, you should know this by now. In this case I will not state the obvious. Just make sure you maintain balance or there will be hell waiting for you when you get back to Brooklyn.

Despite her own situation and view of the world she is willing to step out of herself and help me. I think her assistance is completely selfless, aside from the good feeling you get helping people.

Jenifer sent me some, apparently expensive, Anthony Logistics For Men skincare products to help alleviate the discomfort from my ingrown hairs. She knitted a hat for me, knowing that I did not have a hat or scarf for the winter. Upon seeing how the hat fit, she immediately said Hmmm, I’ll knit you a new one. I guess it just didn’t fit the way she had intended. After all she has done for me already, she stands ready and willing, What else can I do to help you? and If you need anything…

I wish that she could feel the same love for herself that she has shown me. I think she is off to a good start. I hope her streak continues. I hope she wakes up and smiles. I hope that someday she is truly happy with herself. I hope that someday she gets everything she deserves.

Happy birthday and thank you for being a friend.

I have been in almost a dream state. I feel broken, shattered, not whole lately. I have the feeling of things closing in around me, tightening.

I know much of my situation is not my fault, but I wish I would have exercised my enormous wisdom when I was younger. I was “wise beyond (my) years” but never seemed so when it came to my own life.

Anyway, the main reason I haven’t been posting is because of the relationships in my life. I have let many of them fall into my background. There are so many good times, so much laughter, so much happiness… not just the horrors that seem to stay in the front of my mind when I think of certain people, places and things.

Over the last few weeks, I have been nurturing those seemingly dying relationships with family, friends and other once loved ones. My mother, my brothers, my sister and even my son’s mother — I still hate that she looks at me though.