Like, ummm, I am not ready for this.

Right now, I don’t have hat, scarf or gloves. I am wondering how I made it through the years. Is my coat even sufficient? I guess I will find out soon.

I don’t have the desire to do anything. I look in the mirror, sometimes I don’t even know who I am. What am I doing?

I haven’t blogged in forever. I have been justifying this with I either don’t have anything to blog about or that I don’t want to fill the blog with negativity, but the truth is, I just don’t have the desire. I guess I am entitled.

There is so much I feel I should be doing. I am not doing any of it. Well, I have made a little bit of forward movement. Just might not be enough for me.

After losing my employment situation, I took a week off or it was forced on me. The news that my job, at least for the time being, was no longer came sudden. I needed a moment to get my head around it and to plan. The following Monday, I went on my first of what is sure to be many interviews. I completed registration I started in May, with an agency that is completely outside of my interests. I guess in these challenging economic times, coverage couldn’t hurt.

On November 22, I went to an open house at Medgar Evers College. I am interested in the Computer Sciences majors, not entirely sure which area but I have narrowed it down to 2 out of 3. I just have to work out some details. If all goes well, I will be enrolled in the Spring 2009 semester.

I am just so fucking off lately. I hope I can realign soon. I don’t want to go through anything unnecessary because I can’t get it together.

Yesterday, I switched to the Disqus comment system. I just kept seeing it yesterday and got curious. So why not right? It just fit. It allows for threaded comments. The ability to have the comments from some of the various sites, I post to or visit aggregated in one place is what won me over. There is also the greater possibility of increasing my audience. I have added my Tumblr and I’m thinking about adding my old Blogger Blog, since I still get comments there.

I haven’t gotten around to redesigning IDK. I just don’t have the time. I have to do some other stuff before I can get deep into. I have allowed so much to slip. I need to focus and minimize my distractions in order to do this properly. I don’t intend to modify any templates. Since I want it to be layered, I think a Photoshop comp might help me visualize it. I don’t have the space on my little MacBook for this undertaking.

I have decided that I will concentrate on the stuff I can handle right now. I want to clean up my categories and tags. As I see it, I have been inconsistent. Time to simplify and get some sort of standard going. I am going to go through each post on IDK and editing and replacing the comments. I don’t have many posts here yet, so that shouldn’t be too difficult.

I suppose I am just having one of those days. Everyone has a bad day here and there. Today just happened to be mine. I suppose, I knew that today wasn’t going to be a particularly memorable day when I woke up the first time. As it was time to get up for work, after my nap, I was telling a “chat companion” via instant messenger that I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to do anything. I really didn’t.

I started thinking about my friends and their problems, I was talking to a couple through text and another over the phone and got a call from yet another who wanted to tell me about a falling out she had with some guy I didn’t even know existed until tonight. I probably should have, but we don’t talk nearly as much as we should.

I just want my “friends” to smile. I try to do whatever it is that I can to make them feel a little better… don’t I? Even if I just do a smile check, which currently is reserved for only one.

Everyone is having difficulty, it seems, for one reason or another. I am too. I guess it’s particularly difficult for me right now because I can’t put what I am feeling into words. I need someone special to share with as I put it earlier. I need non-verbal communication.

I can’t say what I need so does it still mean I need to talk? Why not just someone to lay with, to watch television with, to talk about nothing with, just to laugh. I can simply lay my head on her chest, her tummy, in her lap or if she is laying on her stomach, her derrière. Maybe the conversation can take place within our exchange of glances…

I don’t know… perhaps I want too much.

…jkl; Yeah, I realize that while I may be able to type pretty quickly now, for short bursts, to suit my own purposes anyway, I still need the practice.

I am still not good with the numbers on the keyboard, hell I would like to learn to use the keypad. Worst of all, I seem to freak and my speed takes a huge hit when it counts… like Friday night at work.

I would like to get back to this as soon as possible. Start doing regular drills, start testing myself. No matter how good we might be at anything, practice still keeps us sharp or in this case… on key.

In my perfect world, I am not shy and can speak my mind openly. I don’t have to worry about who will not approve or who might disagree. Unfortunately, a lot of the time I do, Well most of the time I don’t. I am almost completely self contained. I live in my own world. I am learning not to care about certain things.

Even though I might hide it well. I do care. I care about what she thinks, I care about what he thinks, sometimes I care about what you think.

Love is something that escapes me. Why? I am not sure. Maybe due to my shyness. Maybe, I am not making enough connections. Maybe I just don’t feel as though I deserve to be loved. In my dreams, I am lovable. I am worthy.

In my perfect world, love does exist.

In my perfect world, I love you.

In my perfect world, you love me too.

Being a skeptic, It is my nature to question. I can’t merely accept what I can’t see, hear, smell, touch or taste. Can I? Do you blame me?

I am a man, I want these things. I want to love and be loved and to treat you like you deserve to be treated and to be treated like I’d expect to be treated by the one I love and loves me.

I find people want to be and should be treated well. Do you know how to treat people like you want to be treated? A lot of people don’t. I think it should be easy. I am guilty of treating too many people well and not treating the right people well enough. I am sure some of you are too.

In my dreams, we take care of each other. Our hearts share a rhythm, they beat together… sing together… In my dreams, we don’t have to speak… we just know, we communicate with our eyes… our hearts say all that need to be said to each other. We aren’t fighting. We aren’t angry. We just are… together.

Skeptics dream, really we do! Perfect world? Love? Dreams!

I am lapsed! Lapsed in faith, in judgment, in love… Most of all I have forgotten who I am and become a little of something else.

Today, I show myself… Renewed faith, renewed concern for the details that once defined me and set me apart from others, a new view of who I am, the people around me and the world in general.

I think I have spent my life hiding, from the world and much worse from myself. It’s time to just live, love, and be all that I can be… Me!

See this goal was supposed to be a way to empower myself and not show all my cards. This year, I fell for someone… Well, I fell for several people… Each one harder than the last. The last one seemed as into me as I was her, but for some reason upon closer inspection I was not all that she thought me to be.

I realize that when it came to her. I did contradict who I am a lot. I was, am confused. I shook me to my foundation. As I am just regaining my footing, I realize… I am scared, I am not as strong, I am not prepared for that connection I so desperately desire.

LOL, Keyshia Cole f. Anthony Hamilton – “Losing you” just started playing in iTunes…

The re-design of IDK has begun. It is at least in it’s first creation. I should have started this some time ago. I have an idea of what I want. I want it to be simple and have a little bit of depth. I was supposed to be going through some WordPress code to get a better feel of what’s going on. I want to keep my theme plugin aware and update friendly. Most importantly, it should be pleasing to your eye and invite you back.

Over the last, I guess, thirty six hours or so, I have been engages in conversations with various people. I have had a chance to think and process what has been going on. I am not going to defend myself. I don’t feel the need to nor do I feel like I am worthy right now. I have taken so much pride in who I am and who I am thought to be… I just feel like I have fallen short of expectations, most of all mine.

As a matter of fact, I have been used. It has been happening for some time and I didn’t see it. I have come to this realization because someone completely unrelated to the situation that has become the latest gossip and the current subject of my blog paid IDK! a visit.

Well it’s like this… I have been used to supplement something that might have been lacking otherwise. Someone, a friend, cut me off now that she has someone. She no longer “just needs to feel I am there.” What was I to you guys? You just dropped me!

Through all the threats, all the accusations, all the shit that was being thrown around. No one ever stopped to ask, who approached who and why or how? No one asked what was being said to me or why it was so hard for me to pull away. No one asked about my side of the story. No one cared what they meant to me. Even the people I, everyone, thought were my (e)friends played me. No one asked what was Deon feeling. Everyone knows I am not malicious and hurtful. Everyone knows I am human. None of my friends jumped up and said “Hey, is this all true?” Fuck it though! It is what it is and what will be, will be… It’s just like fucking eureka son!