…About going back to school.

Is this really the time? I think it is. I have been putting it off for so long. So much is going on in the world. The market is in a downward spiral, things are getting more competitive… I don’t want to be caught out there when things pick up.

I feel there is going to be a renaissance of sorts when the economy bounces back… or at least I hope for a period of deeper appreciation for what we have and the opportunities before us. I just feel I should get a jump on it either way.

More immediately, this would be me turning a negative into a positive. While my credit is shot and I am paying it back, it’s difficult for me to get an apartment. I can put whatever extra funds I can muster towards getting a degree. I can move when my personal economic conditions are more acceptable.

Benefits: What exactly are the benefits? Well as far as I can tell, a sense of accomplishment, a degree would make me more marketable and my son will see me doing even more positive things. I am trying to teach him to keep reaching.

As of now, I am still unsure what I want to go back for. I don’t even know what school or schools I want to attend. I am going to walk into an admissions office soon. Has to be long before the holiday. I want to get the ball rolling for Winter / Spring term.

I am praying for guidance. Pray for me, please. Wish me luck!

Twitter - Steel, originally uploaded by Dramatic.

Yesterday, I had the most wonderful day. I spent it with Minimee. Several weeks ago, he asked if we could walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, and yesterday, being so beautiful, just happened to be the day.

We started the day with breakfast at IHOP, then walked from Downtown Brooklyn through Borough Hall and Cadman Plaza Park to the bridges walkway. We talked the whole walk about various things, including poking fun at some people and school.

He cried when we started talking about his current progress. I explained while I am proud of him and how well he is doing, I am disappointed that he isn’t working to his full potential. He isn’t. I feel he is falling behind where he was. I am not holding him to anyone’s standard but his own. From the time he started school he had set a bar and consistently raised it. I want to know what happened to that boy, what has changed and what we can do to bring all the best of him back?

We talked about my plans. What I wanted to do in the near future, where I feel I am falling short and what I felt and knew are some of my challenges were.

While crossing the bridge, which was crowded, he took in some of the scenery and the history of and facts about the bridge which were posted about midway across. He pointed out some things he wanted me to take pictures of… Snap, snap… LOL.

Finally, on the other side we began walking, from One Centre Street, pass the Old Tweed Courthouse, through Chinatown, SoHo, the East Village, up to Union Square and decided to see a movie. We didn’t have one in mind, so we just went with Quarantine (survival horror), which we both really enjoyed.

When the movie was over we decided to have dinner. We walked back from Union Square to the West Village, after deciding we wanted Uno, which seems to have become our current favorite spot. Dinner was great as usual.

Throughout the day, one of the challenges we discussed is more presently poor credit, which seems to be preventing me from getting a decent apartment, so he can come back and live with me. I know he isn’t happy where he is. It’s hard being with someone, especially one you are supposed to look up to for support, who you don’t / can’t trust. He understood and said he could hold out as long as I needed him to.

You have no idea what that means to me. I really needed to hear that. I needed to know that he was OK. In that moment, it became clear that he has one of my best traits, one that I have long thought lost, my strength. Yesterday, my little boy, loaned me some of that strength and reminded me that he is strong and will not be broken. Today, I feel more connected to him.

I have labored quite a bit as to how I would answer this question. There are just so many possibilities. I have always said there are no perfect women, only a woman that might be perfect for me or you or him or her… I have decided to narrow it down to five traits I find irresistible in women. This is by no means a definitive declaration — there are just too many possibilities — I reserve the right to revisit the subject.

• The physical should be simple enough. For me, it’s all about the presentation. I like pretty almond–shaped eyes and a bright but sometimes bashful smile. Not really a snob about appearance, but neatness counts… sloppy is out. I like curvy women. Women can be thick or slim… it’s their curves that make them a woman. I usually like women thicker on the bottom than top, but a well proportioned woman is… hmmm… great too.
• Maternal instincts and sense are important to me as well. Some of you are well aware of my woes with the other parent. I love a woman who loves and takes care of her children. A woman who makes the a priority and not the afterthought or not a consideration all together.

  Women, especially mothers, raise little girls who will someday become women themselves and raise families and they also raise and help to raise men who will someday love, respect and support them and their families.

• One trait that I find to be an absolute turn on is humility. I don’t mean the woman who has devalued herself and feels broken. I mean the woman who struggles on a daily basis or who is on her grind all the time and sometimes forgets to look in the mirror and thank herself or who just is plain unaware of her enormous beauty and the contribution she makes to her man, her family and at some point the world, just by waking up and starting her routine.
• I like a woman with drive. Ambition is important. Just because you don’t know exactly how to get what you want, doesn’t mean you give up. You work for it. You want it, figure out how you are going to make it yours. It isn’t necessary to have all the answers. You don’t have to be well off. If you are working at McDonald’s and that isn’t where you want to be, you should be working towards that end or if you are on welfare, what are you doing to get off? Get what’s yours!
• I think one of the marks of a perfect woman a sense of a deeper meaning in things and an awareness of things greater than herself. Everyone is part of a whole. I, me, my… Why not us, we and our? You and I can do more together than you or me. Thinks all of us!

Here are just some of the characteristics I would find in my perfect woman. What about you? What traits, characteristics, elements do you want in a mate?

Yesterday, I switched to the Disqus comment system. I just kept seeing it yesterday and got curious. So why not right? It just fit. It allows for threaded comments. The ability to have the comments from some of the various sites, I post to or visit aggregated in one place is what won me over. There is also the greater possibility of increasing my audience. I have added my Tumblr and I’m thinking about adding my old Blogger Blog, since I still get comments there.

I haven’t gotten around to redesigning IDK. I just don’t have the time. I have to do some other stuff before I can get deep into. I have allowed so much to slip. I need to focus and minimize my distractions in order to do this properly. I don’t intend to modify any templates. Since I want it to be layered, I think a Photoshop comp might help me visualize it. I don’t have the space on my little MacBook for this undertaking.

I have decided that I will concentrate on the stuff I can handle right now. I want to clean up my categories and tags. As I see it, I have been inconsistent. Time to simplify and get some sort of standard going. I am going to go through each post on IDK and editing and replacing the comments. I don’t have many posts here yet, so that shouldn’t be too difficult.

Not too long ago I stated that I would no longer be living check to check come September. I guess it depends on how you define the month. Is it from the first pay check of the month? Is it from the first of the month?

I have decided that it should be from the first of the month. While, in my view, I have fallen short of this, I will make some preparations this week to make sure I can take full advantage of my pay check on Friday. I know some of this is going to be really hard, but if I don’t do it myself, it might just happen anyway.

1. I am not purchasing a monthly Metrocard until payday. I think I only need a $4-6 (2-3 rides) card to get through the week
2. I am limiting the amount of money I spend on meals at work to $50 per week, even if this means I have to skip a meal or two
3. I am going grocery shopping this weekend and I am going to try to get as much stuff as I can carry to work so that I am not spending $10-20 a night on food

I think I can make it. I am starting out the week with just over $100. After grocery shopping, I should have just enough for lunch at work this week. This is going to be interesting, I think… If I get in a bind, there is always my meager savings.

I am trying really hard not to dip into my savings. Right now, I am in the process of setting up a plan to pay myself back for not saving in June and July. I have to make adjustments to the amount I need to pay back to reflect 20% rounded up to the nearest $5 of my weekly pay.

In all, things are going pretty good. Making regular payments. I need to find out exactly how deep I am in though. I glanced at some of my older entries and I don’t think I am making the best financial choices I can be, otherwise, I wouldn’t be living check to check. I will make better choices in the future. I just need to come up with a better plan.

I suppose I am just having one of those days. Everyone has a bad day here and there. Today just happened to be mine. I suppose, I knew that today wasn’t going to be a particularly memorable day when I woke up the first time. As it was time to get up for work, after my nap, I was telling a “chat companion” via instant messenger that I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to do anything. I really didn’t.

I started thinking about my friends and their problems, I was talking to a couple through text and another over the phone and got a call from yet another who wanted to tell me about a falling out she had with some guy I didn’t even know existed until tonight. I probably should have, but we don’t talk nearly as much as we should.

I just want my “friends” to smile. I try to do whatever it is that I can to make them feel a little better… don’t I? Even if I just do a smile check, which currently is reserved for only one.

Everyone is having difficulty, it seems, for one reason or another. I am too. I guess it’s particularly difficult for me right now because I can’t put what I am feeling into words. I need someone special to share with as I put it earlier. I need non-verbal communication.

I can’t say what I need so does it still mean I need to talk? Why not just someone to lay with, to watch television with, to talk about nothing with, just to laugh. I can simply lay my head on her chest, her tummy, in her lap or if she is laying on her stomach, her derrière. Maybe the conversation can take place within our exchange of glances…

I don’t know… perhaps I want too much.

…jkl; Yeah, I realize that while I may be able to type pretty quickly now, for short bursts, to suit my own purposes anyway, I still need the practice.

I am still not good with the numbers on the keyboard, hell I would like to learn to use the keypad. Worst of all, I seem to freak and my speed takes a huge hit when it counts… like Friday night at work.

I would like to get back to this as soon as possible. Start doing regular drills, start testing myself. No matter how good we might be at anything, practice still keeps us sharp or in this case… on key.

In my perfect world, I am not shy and can speak my mind openly. I don’t have to worry about who will not approve or who might disagree. Unfortunately, a lot of the time I do, Well most of the time I don’t. I am almost completely self contained. I live in my own world. I am learning not to care about certain things.

Even though I might hide it well. I do care. I care about what she thinks, I care about what he thinks, sometimes I care about what you think.

Love is something that escapes me. Why? I am not sure. Maybe due to my shyness. Maybe, I am not making enough connections. Maybe I just don’t feel as though I deserve to be loved. In my dreams, I am lovable. I am worthy.

In my perfect world, love does exist.

In my perfect world, I love you.

In my perfect world, you love me too.

Being a skeptic, It is my nature to question. I can’t merely accept what I can’t see, hear, smell, touch or taste. Can I? Do you blame me?

I am a man, I want these things. I want to love and be loved and to treat you like you deserve to be treated and to be treated like I’d expect to be treated by the one I love and loves me.

I find people want to be and should be treated well. Do you know how to treat people like you want to be treated? A lot of people don’t. I think it should be easy. I am guilty of treating too many people well and not treating the right people well enough. I am sure some of you are too.

In my dreams, we take care of each other. Our hearts share a rhythm, they beat together… sing together… In my dreams, we don’t have to speak… we just know, we communicate with our eyes… our hearts say all that need to be said to each other. We aren’t fighting. We aren’t angry. We just are… together.

Skeptics dream, really we do! Perfect world? Love? Dreams!

I am lapsed! Lapsed in faith, in judgment, in love… Most of all I have forgotten who I am and become a little of something else.

Today, I show myself… Renewed faith, renewed concern for the details that once defined me and set me apart from others, a new view of who I am, the people around me and the world in general.

I think I have spent my life hiding, from the world and much worse from myself. It’s time to just live, love, and be all that I can be… Me!

See this goal was supposed to be a way to empower myself and not show all my cards. This year, I fell for someone… Well, I fell for several people… Each one harder than the last. The last one seemed as into me as I was her, but for some reason upon closer inspection I was not all that she thought me to be.

I realize that when it came to her. I did contradict who I am a lot. I was, am confused. I shook me to my foundation. As I am just regaining my footing, I realize… I am scared, I am not as strong, I am not prepared for that connection I so desperately desire.

LOL, Keyshia Cole f. Anthony Hamilton – “Losing you” just started playing in iTunes…